[11 Aug 2007|02:49pm] no longer in service post comment

[11 Jun 2007|03:43pm] I have an appointment with a new doctor tomorrow and it's supposed to be a five hour exam. Oh let me tell you how excited I am. I'm just overflowing with anticipation. I hope he can sort some things out, though. It's really getting old. Now my grandpa's in the hospital.. -_- I just.. don't even know what to type. I have no way of getting there because my grandma can't use her hand to drive/she is too sick to even be there with her husband and my mom is already there with him. So I'm stranded here. I feel kind of rotten for not being there, but I have no choice. My mom left to move pick his car up from the shop so that he didn't have to walk and I guess she ended up taking him to the hospital.. I wish I knew more. blah *Goes away to talk to Bassy* I don't know anymore. post comment

Hello [11 Jun 2007|03:03pm] I think that maybe I'll make this journal public! People can come and read my rants if they really want to or they can go to my other journal to read the watered-down version of my life. I took a few entries away, but I'll be writing here quite often. Hi. post comment

[14 May 2007|12:02pm] Things have been pretty tough lately. My dad hasn't been going to work at all and we had made arrangements for a vacation six months ago with no way to cancel it. I guess we'll have to go and spend no money... I have no idea how we're going to eat. We had to cancel my graduation party because of the lack of money... and had to call up over 30 people to tell them not to come. How fucking embarrassing. I was really looking forward to that party, too. -_- Christine was almost on the list to come. Hopefully, he'll go and get some help soon. pft. post comment

[26 Apr 2007|05:49pm] I think today is a good day to start this journal. Here I'm going to type about what is bothering me and I'm not going to worry about feeling guilty about my entries later on. I dont care who finds it- and I can vent to no one. maybe it'll help let me get some of this out. When I got home from the animal shelter today, my mom handed me the package yelling, 'oh you've got a present' all happily, my stomach just sunk.  She waited for me to tear into it, but I didn't. I tossed it on to my bed and tried to ignore it. It's not that I'm not thankful for it, I just felt very uneasy when I saw the address. When we first met, we sent a lot of letters back and forth. I have a stack of little packages and drawings under my table. I re-read some of them when I was cleaning a couple months ago and most of hers are just gushing on and on about how we'd meet, go see the Cave and hang out. it made me feel -so- great. like there was someone that actually cared a lot about me. She'd even apologize quite a few times for 'being too clingy' and at the time another friend that I held very near and dear had vanished from thin air, a lot like she has now, and she writes "I'll never do that to you, that is just terrible." Then, everything just stopped. I was so devastated that first time and spent a lot of time trying to formulate this big letter asking what I did wrong. I never got the answer back, but we did start talking again. I don't know if she realizes how much it affects me in a negative way, but it really does. I didn't do anything wrong? Why was I sluffed off? I still don't understand. We kind of made up after a while and acted like nothing happened. It made me feel a little bad when she'd always have an away message up and sometimes would tell me 'oh im hiding from so and so' or 'i dont want to talk to so and so'. Then I think I turned into 'so and so' eventually, and I don't know why. It wouldn't have been so bad if she didn't lie about why she couldn't talk to me. WHY does it happen so suddenly. it hurts. SO BAD. anyway, back to the package... I finally opened it when I had some time alone.. a bunch of older drawings of our chracters hugging and cuddling... it just broke my heart to pieces. I love those two so much and recently broke away because honestly, I thought that she didn't want me as a friend anymore. When a friendship goes from talking every day and then to NOTHING, seeing her knock my little icon off of her friends list on DA, going onto my other sn to talk to Savvy and seeing her sn online there, after it wasn't on my main one, with a status of 18 idle hours and then --oops! blocked me there too!, it kinda gives that impression, right? Then just seeing these drawings... I just started bawling. I'm STILL crying. they're such beautiful things.. and it hurts so bad. I want to rewind to that one summer when she really liked me so that I could thank her for the drawings. and that just sounds like I still have a crush on her. I don't, especially after this. I'm really happy for her and her girlfriend, they're really cute together and that's awesome that she got what she wanted. All I wanted was to talk to her here and there. .. we are so similar, it was so easy to talk to her. I looked forward to it. I always felt that I could trust her with my problems and venting but now I'm not all that sure. All I want now is to know what the fuck I did wrong and to never hear her lie about how she hates the internet and doesn't use it very often. I see her status when I'm using Last.fm sometimes and just notice other things like that and it's like a smack in the face after reading the emails I get from her explaining why she doesn't talk to me anymore. I despise lying God that sounds so.. weird. that whole things sounds weird. but I don't know, from my point of view, I lost a very close friend and I'm just so confused. I just want to know why. and all of these little things sting. THEN. this brings up Kennedy. I've been pretty good about that for the last few months but last night I just broke down. Why. Is he dead, is he alive? Will he ever come back? I miss him so much. Certain songs and certain movies make me think of him and it's just so painful. why do people drop from the face of the earth like this? Maybe it's good not to form any bonds online. I have a billion of his drawings on my wall and enjoy explaining who they're from to everyone who walks in and asks about them. I have a ton of things in a stack that I've always wanted to send to him. I....I don't know. -_- I'm done typing now. I really don't want a reply to this if this journal ever happens to get out. everything has been quite damaging enough and I'm not looking forward to continuing the cycle. post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]